Can You Be Too Self-Compassionate?
- Tiffany Bentley
- Jun 7
- 5 min read
We live in a world that’s buzzing with talk about “self-care” and “self-compassion.” You see the phrases everywhere—on mugs, social media, yoga mats—but sometimes it can feel confusing or even frustrating. Maybe you wonder, Am I just making excuses? Can you really be too self-compassionate? Or maybe it feels like a nice idea, but you’re not sure how it actually fits into your busy, complicated life.
This post is here to clear up those questions. Self-compassion isn’t about skipping the hard stuff or being soft on yourself. It’s about facing life’s challenges with honesty, kindness, and courage—tools that help you move forward without beating yourself up. Whether you’re someone new to this idea or you’ve been curious about what self-compassion really means, this is for you.
Let’s Talk to a Friend
Imagine a friend tells you through tears, “I messed it all up. I’m probably too much. No wonder they left.” What would you say back? Probably not, “Yeah, you’re right—get it together.”
More likely, you'd say, “You’re human. Relationships are complicated. That doesn’t mean you’re unlovable.” And maybe you'd follow with, “I’m here for you—do you want to talk more or just watch Girls Trip and cry it out for a bit?”
Self-compassion is that same energy, turned inward. It’s not about making excuses or sugarcoating reality—it’s about being honest and kind at the same time. You can acknowledge what went wrong and still speak to yourself like someone worth loving.
What Self-Compassion Is Not
It’s important to understand what self-compassion isn’t, especially in a culture that sometimes confuses kindness with weakness or avoidance. Self-compassion is not about:
Letting yourself off the hook without accountability. True compassion includes encouragement to grow, not avoidance.
Ignoring pain or difficult feelings. Instead, self-compassion creates space to experience those feelings without judgment.
Pretending everything is fine when it’s not. It means seeing your flaws clearly but responding with understanding rather than harshness.
Using it as a free pass for unhealthy habits. Real self-compassion supports choices that align with your well-being, even if those choices are tough.
When you think about self-compassion like this, it becomes clear that it’s a powerful tool for facing life’s challenges with courage, not an excuse to shy away from them.
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Care: What’s the Difference?
People often confuse these terms, but they’re not interchangeable.
Self-care is what you do: taking a walk, eating a nourishing meal, journaling, making a therapy appointment.
Self-compassion is how you do it: with kindness, without shame, from a place of understanding rather than punishment.
You can engage in self-care in ways that are disconnected from self-compassion (like doom scrolling under the banner of “rest”), and you can practice self-compassion even when self-care isn’t possible (like being kind to yourself during grief, illness, or burnout).
From ACT’s lens, the key is values-based living. Are your actions moving you toward the life you want, even when it’s uncomfortable? Self-compassion helps you stay connected to your values, motivating you gently rather than pushing you harshly.
What feels hardest about practicing self-compassion in real life?
Noticing when I’m caught in harsh self-judgment
Making space for uncomfortable thoughts or feelings
Taking kind, values-based action when things are hard
Believing I’m worthy of compassion in the first place
What ACT Says About Change
Change isn’t about fixing yourself or becoming perfect. It’s about learning to live in a way that feels true to you, even when things are tough.
Imagine that life is like walking a path that sometimes gets rocky or steep. You don’t have to have all the answers or get it right every step of the way. What matters is that you keep moving forward, in small, meaningful ways that align with what really matters to you.
This kind of change means being willing to feel uncomfortable emotions like fear, sadness, or frustration—and not letting those feelings stop you. It means noticing when your inner critic is speaking harshly and choosing to listen to a kinder, wiser voice instead.
At its heart, this approach is about accepting yourself and your experience, while still finding the motivation to grow and create a life that feels meaningful. You don’t have to hate yourself into change—you can choose compassion as your guide.
A Practice for Self-Compassion: The Compassionate Voice Swap
When your inner critic flares up, pause and try this:
Write down the harsh thought exactly as it shows up. For example: “I’m such a failure for not finishing that task.”
Imagine a close friend saying this about themselves. What would you say back to them?
Now offer that same kindness to yourself. Speak inwardly with the understanding you would extend to a friend.
Try something like: “You’ve been handling a lot lately. It’s okay to take a breath and give yourself grace. What do you need right now?”
This exercise helps rewire your relationship to your inner voice, transforming criticism into care. Over time, it supports a deeper habit of self-compassion.
What the Research Says
Self-compassion isn’t just a feel-good buzzword—there’s solid science behind it. Studies show that people who practice self-compassion experience:
Lower levels of anxiety and depression: Treating yourself kindly helps calm your mind and reduces feelings of overwhelm (Neff, 2011).
Greater resilience: Self-compassion gives you strength to bounce back from setbacks without harsh self-judgment (Terry & Leary, 2011).
Better emotional regulation: It helps your brain manage stress more effectively, reducing the physical toll of chronic worry or self-criticism (Longe et al., 2010).
Healthier habits: When you treat yourself with care, you’re more likely to make choices that support your wellbeing, like eating well and getting enough rest (Sirois, Kitner & Hirsch, 2019).
If you want to dive deeper, check out these great resources:
Kristin Neff’s pioneering work on self-compassion (self-compassion.org)
Harvard Health Publishing’s overview of the benefits of self-compassion (Harvard Health)
A summary of neuroscience research on kindness and the brain (Frontiers in Psychology)
Ultimately
We’ve explored what self-compassion really is—not an excuse to avoid hard feelings, but a way to face them with kindness and courage. It’s about speaking to yourself as you would to a dear friend: honestly, gently, and with patience.
You don’t have to get it perfect. You don’t have to have all the answers or change overnight. What matters most is showing up for yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when the inner critic is loud.
Self-compassion helps you stay connected to your values and your deeper sense of what matters—guiding you toward growth and healing rather than judgment or shame.
So, take what feels useful from this, and leave the rest behind.
Because ultimately, Light, you’re the keeper of your own knowing—no one else has that kind of power. Shine bright and keep moving forward.
If you want to know more about who I am and what therapy with me looks like, you can learn more here.
Thanks for reading!
About the Author
Tiffany Bentley, LCSW, is the founder of Somatic Women, a virtual therapy practice supporting women in MA, CT, RI, VT, and FL. She integrates EMDR, ACT, and somatic therapies to help women reclaim their voices, restore balance, and live with clarity.
Comments