How to Stop Rumination and Start Living Your Values

Tiffany Bentley
6 days ago
5 min read

Feeling stuck in your thoughts? You’re not alone. Rumination—replaying worries, “what-ifs,” or regrets—can keep you frozen in place. Many women feel pulled in multiple directions at once: balancing work, friendships, relationships, and personal time. You may want to give your full attention to one area, but also feel compelled to be present somewhere else. That tension is where rumination thrives.

This blog will help you notice when you’re stuck, reconnect with what matters most, and take small, values-based actions that move your life forward.

What Are Values and Life Domains?

Values aren’t just ideas—they’re how you show up in the world. And here’s an important point: values are about you, not anyone else. You can’t control outcomes or other people’s actions—you can only control your own choices.

If you value love, you show up with love in your relationships. If you value growth, you show up in your personal or professional pursuits with curiosity and effort.

To make values actionable, it helps to consider life domains—specific areas of your life where your values play out. Examples include:

Work or School – How you approach projects, deadlines, and collaboration.
Friendships & Community – How you connect and support others.
Intimate Relationships – How you show love, honesty, and care.
Domain of Me/I – How you show up for yourself, your energy, body, mind, and personal wellbeing.

By identifying the domain, it’s easier to focus on how you want to show up here, rather than trying to control the uncontrollable or solve everything at once.

Notice When You’re Stuck

Take a moment and check in with yourself.

What situation is keeping you replaying thoughts?
What emotions or urges are showing up?
What might you be trying to avoid or fix?

Example: It’s 6 PM, and you’re finishing up work emails. Your partner hopes you’ll join them for dinner, but your mind keeps replaying an unfinished project. You feel torn. How can you give your full attention to work and be present with your partner at the same time? That tension keeps looping in your mind, wondering if you’re doing enough.

When the Problem Feels Unsolvable

Often, rumination comes from trying to solve an impossible problem.

Example: You want to give your all to a work project but also want to be fully present for a friend who’s visiting. The tension between these values, achievement and connection, makes your brain spin. Trying to do both perfectly at once is impossible.

The key isn’t forcing a solution. It’s accepting the limits of time and attention, and remembering: you can only control how you show up, not the outcomes or other people’s choices. You can either:

Spend all your energy deciding or worrying, or
Make a choice, commit to it, and fully engage with that moment.

This acceptance is a core principle of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): noticing what is true in the present moment, even if uncomfortable, and moving toward your values.

Identify Your Values in Context

Once you notice the tension, ask yourself:

What matters to me here?
What kind of person do I want to be?
How do I want to show up, regardless of anything else?

Example: At work, you might value integrity and creativity. At coffee with your friend, you might value connection and presence. Acknowledging these values helps you make conscious choices instead of being pulled by rumination or trying to control the uncontrollable.

Two Paths: Away or Toward

When you feel stuck, there are typically two responses:

Away Move (Avoidance)	Toward Move (Values-Based Action)
Trying to escape uncomfortable thoughts or emotions	Taking small steps aligned with your values, even if uncomfortable
Provides short-term relief but keeps you stuck	Builds meaning, integrity, and growth

Example: Instead of scrolling social media to distract from tension (away move), you could set a 20-minute focused work session, then fully engage in your coffee date (toward move). Notice that your choice is about how you show up, not about controlling outcomes.

Practice Willingness

Acceptance means making space for difficult feelings. Imagine an unwanted phone, maybe it's a call from a friend, you don’t have to like it, but you answer the phone anyway.

Which emotions, thoughts, or sensations are showing up?
Can you allow them while still acting toward your values?

“Even though I don’t like feeling torn, I’m willing to notice it and still show up in line with my values.”

This doesn’t make discomfort disappear, but it prevents rumination from taking over and allows you to act intentionally.

Putting It Into Practice: A Real-World Example

Scenario: You’ve been invited to a networking event the same night your best friend wants to meet up. You value professional growth and friendship, but time is limited.

Notice the tension: wanting to attend both.
Identify your values: career advancement vs. connection with your friend.
Make a choice: maybe attend the networking event, but schedule a dedicated coffee with your friend tomorrow.
Commit fully to your choice, knowing your action reflects how you want to show up, regardless of anyone else’s response.

Lesson: Rumination lives in the “both/and” space. By noticing the conflict and choosing one value to show up for now, you reduce mental spinning

Valued Choices: Grounding Yourself Even When Outcomes Differ

Life doesn’t always go the way we hope. Sometimes, even our best efforts don’t produce the result we wanted. But you can still be grounded in your values and the choices you made.

A valued choice is a decision you make based on how you want to show up, regardless of the outcome. Even if things don’t turn out perfectly, acting in alignment with your values builds clarity, integrity, and self-trust.

Take a moment to reflect:

Can you think of a time when things didn’t end the way you wanted, but you don’t regret the actions you took?
If you knew the outcome in advance, would you still make the same choice?

For example, you might decide to fully engage in a project at work even when you’re feeling stretched thin. The project may not go perfectly, but you can recognize that you showed up the way you wanted to, acted with dedication, and honored your own standards.

This is the essence of values-based living: it’s about how you show up, not about controlling the outcome. Your integrity and alignment with what matters to you are what ultimately shape a meaningful life.

Focusing on your valued choices allows you to step forward with confidence, even when life is messy, uncertain, or challenging. You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to keep moving toward what matters most to you.

Ultimately

You don’t need to get it perfect. You don’t need all the answers. The goal is one small, committed action aligned with your value.

If you want to explore this process in depth and work through rumination with guidance, schedule a session with me. In therapy, we focus on identifying values, practicing acceptance, and taking concrete steps toward a life that reflects who you truly want to be.

Because ultimately, you’re the keeper of your own knowing—no one else has that power. Shine bright and keep moving forward.

About the Author

Smiling woman with curly hair, wearing a brown shirt, standing against a plain light background, creating a warm and cheerful mood.

Tiffany Bentley, LCSW, is the founder of Somatic Women, a virtual therapy practice supporting women in MA, CT, RI, VT, and FL. She integrates EMDR, ACT, and somatic therapies to help women reclaim their voices, restore balance, and live with clarity.

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